Feeling a little crappy today. Physically and emotionally. My chords are swollen and I'm not sure if I'll be able to sing my audition tomorrow. I'm sure it's period-related. I'm just starting to feel so unsure of myself as I'm going through this audition season again. I did well yesterday- really well. like REALLY well. No callback, but it's a crap shoot with sopranos and with a huge competition like it was. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful, perfect man who will patiently listen to me gripe and moan and let me cry on his shoulder while telling me how much he believes in me, while also telling me that if I wanted to stop singing and do something else, he'd fully support me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just wandering through this career with no set goals. It's just so hard to have clear-set goals when every audition is just chance. I could do 99 auditions and get nothing and then 1 major audition where I win a Met contract, so really, how is one supposed to plan a career and map out goals? I just wish I didn't care so much. I know I do well, I'm an awesome singer. I have a gorgeous, unique, refined voice, and I'm a fantastic actress. I'm so musical and extremely intelligent, plus I'm pretty. All these assets, but still I get rejected from at least 95% of the things I audition for. It's very disheartening, especially since my boyfriend, who is is about as talented, musical, intelligent, and good-looking as I am, has about a 95% success rate! I love him and I want him to do well. I want both of us to do well, but if just he had an amazing career and could support me with it, I would be thrilled. I don't want to have this negative attitude as I go into audition season. I don't want to put so much stress on myself that I can't sleep at night, but I don't know how not to do it. I don't know how to just let it go. I might treat this audition season as the last one, and have the "I don't care, fuck you" mindset. that might help, at least mentally. But when I get into that audition room, I care SO MUCH. I want to express the words as clearly as I can. I want to sing as best I can. But I have to stop letting rejections get to me. I'm auditioning against thousands of people, most of whom aren't very good, but will be hired based on potentially. Whereas, I'm an experienced, professional, successful singer already and they might not want someone at my level. Or they just need a bass, or they just need a coloratura. Well... the hardest auditions are mostly over. From now on it's mostly managed, principal auditions and I'll have more of a clear chance to do a role, as opposed to singing against thousands of fresh meat who can be paid nothing and molded into the singer that certain companies want.
Anyway, I just need to get through the next 3 weeks without croaking too much. I'm singing well, I look great, I'm acting well, there's no reason to be nervous. Just do the best I can, and whatever I don't get, well then it was never meant to be. Just try and be as expressive a performer as possible, and don't worry about the details.
Then on December 19th I get to run my 15K, and then hopefully throw a nice little party for NY friends I haven't seen in awhile.
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