December 1

So it's December 1.  awesome.  I'm feeling a little poopy today and I have an audition tomorrow so I'm really trying to rest the voce, and I will eat lots and lots of veggies for lunch and dinner.  My goal is to have at least 10 different types of produce today.  I took my vitamins too, and I had All-Bran for breakfast, so I'm getting lots of vitamins in.

Went to the gym for the 4th day in a row today!  I did 1/2 hour on the elliptical.  Woulda liked to do more, but I forgot my water bottle and was thirsty and just feeling pretty poopy.  But I'll do more tomorrow after my audition.  Maybe I'll even do a long run if I'm up to it.  I definitely haven't been sticking to a training schedule for my Dec. 19 15K race.  I figure as long as I stay active, and do at least one moderately long run per week, I'll be just fine.  Losing a few pounds before then would be just as helpful as sticking to a strict training schedule.  I'm glad John and I are getting into the habit of going to the gym first thing in the morning.  That's probably the best thing I can do to stay fit, to make sure I'm going at the same time everyday and making it a habit.

Today's pretty free.  I'll probably do some reading, listen to my coaching from yesterday, and translate I Compagnacci.  Also probably do some Jillian Michaels and some yoga this afternoon.  John will be gone for most of the day working.  Okay i'm off.

Oh.  My goals for December are as follows:

Eat less than 1500 calories on 6 days of each week.
do at least 1/2 hour exercise everyday
Jillian Michaels twice per week
Yoga at least once per week
Get down to 135 so that at the end of the month I can go out and buy a new evening gown for my concert on jan 30.  I was 140.2 today.

Random questions.

A quiz to pass the time... Stolen from someone's sparkpeople page.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:55, then was up and down for a couple hours before me and John went to the gym.  Go us!

2. How do you like your steak? Oh no you DIDN'T!  This girl would rather vom than eat animal flesh.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Social network, with John, a couple weeks ago.

4. What is your favorite TV show?  Probably the Biggest Loser.  It's the only one I watch pretty much every week.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?  San Fran probably, or someplace in Italy if I didn't have my career in mind.

6. What did you have for breakfast? oatmeal, apple, blueberries, soymilk, flaxseed, cocoa powder, coffee

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Definitely Indian

8. What foods do you dislike? Anything that causes pain and suffering to a leaving, breathing creature.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?  Right now, probably Blossom

10. Favorite dressing? hmmm something with olive oil and balsamic...

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? A 1994 Buick

12. What are your favorite clothes?  Yoga clothes, if I'm feeling skinny.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?  1/2 full, usually.

15. Where would you want to retire? Hawaii maybe?  or somewhere in Italy.

16. Favorite time of day? first thing in the morning

17. Where were you born? Freehold, NJ

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?  UGH.  Except maybe gymnastics.

19. How many siblings? 1, he's 4  years older.

20. Favorite pastime/hobby?  yoga, running, listening to classical music, dancing, working with animals

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? dont' think there will be...

22. Bird watcher? not in the slightest, unless you count NYC pigeons.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?  definitely morning

24. Do you have any pets? nope, sad.  But I'm going to be volunteering at the animal shelter, and I hope to be an honorary mom to several doggies while I'm there.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Got a gig in May.  Happy.  Lots of fun career stuff coming up.  and spending the summer with the man in San Fran, probably.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? lots of different things.  mostly be famous.  on broadway, or in films.  For awhile I wanted to be a teacher in a private school.  I never thought of being an opera singer, but my inner attention whore has definitely led me down this path.

27. What is your best childhood memory? waking up on xmas morning to a living room piled with presents.  Reading babysitter's club books in the car driving to West Virginia.

28. Are you a cat or dog person? DOG!  I adore every single dog I've ever met.


29. Are you married? nope, but hopefully very soon!  ;-)

30. Always wear your seat belt? Always

31. Been in a car accident?  nope, thank goodness

32. Any pet peeves?  not that I can think of right now.  when John leaves the towel in a ball on the counter.  people who walk too slow in the street.  panhandlers.  People who don't think about anyone but themselves.  Close-minded people.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? don't eat much pizza since I went vegan... but probably marinara sauce and any veggies that are around.

34. Favorite Flower?  I like all flowers... sunflowers are nice.  roses.  when flowers are a gift, it really doesn't matter what kind they are, it's the thought that counts.

35. Favorite ice cream? Soy Delicious chocolate peanut butter swirl.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?  Barf.  except Maoz Vegetarian.  that stuff rocks.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?  passed with flying colors.

38. From whom did you get your last email?  Massage Envy, inviting me to give a massage as a gift.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?  I would rather not max out my credit card.... but I do like Urban Outfitters, and Macy's

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? I guess not so much.... I should probably do that one of these days.  When I finish this blog, I will spontaneously turn on my yoga DVD and do a little workout.

41. Like your job?  Usually... Actually my work is hard, but it pays off when I get to perform and I feel that I've improved.  I like getting to dress up really pretty.  I love to sing, and I love the process of collaborating with other musicians.  I also love that I get to sing some of the most beautiful music ever written.

42. Broccoli? HELLS yeah!

43. What was your favorite vacation? Hawaii, with my love, this past June.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? My man, to Chili's, on Saturday.

45. What are you listening to right now? nothing.  complete silence, which is rare in NYC.

46. What is your favorite color? light blue, always has been.  When I feel feisty I wear red, but I've been wearing a lot of grays recently.

47. How many tattoos do you have?  None, probably never

gym this morning

John and I will start going to the gym first thing in the morning today.  The perfect thing to do right after Thanksgiving weekend, where we did little besides eat and lie on the couch.  It will be nice to get back into the habit of working out when I wake up, and I think it will help me stay more active the rest of the day, and probably lead to better food choices.  I woke up way too early today, but I think I slept enough.... I feel pretty blah right now.  Probably from knowing that I have to get to the gym soon.  But I'll do maybe 30 minutes on the treadmill, not a super-long workout.  It'll fly by.

I have another audition today.  It's going to be fine.  I'm offering Quando, Donde lieta, Anne, and Poison.  I know all of those inside and out.

Dietwise, I see myself slipping back into an unhealthy mindset and bad habits.  I've been bingeing all morning, and I binged a lot of yesterday afternoon.  I see the pattern that it usually happens when I have an audition coming up, or when I've just had one and can relax.  I need to break this pattern.  I can't allow 2 days of bad eating turn into 2 weeks.  I haven't even eaten that badly, but I see myself just constantly on a sugar craving, and I have no motivation to go to the gym.  Today my training schedule tells me I need to run 4 miles and do 30-day-shred level 2.  I just haven't wanted to move at ALL, all day long.  I'm dreading getting into my dress for fear that it will be too tight and I won't look sexy.  this mindset is what I've been dealing with my WHOLE life and I just don't know how to break through.  Because even before I was a singer I had an unhealthy relationship with food.  Well.... actually, my self-destructive habits didn't really start until I started performing in community theatre when I was 12, but coincidentally that's when most girls start to get insecure and go on crash diets.  But anyway, I'm not going to stop singing anytime soon, so I need to figure out a way to manage the stress of singing so that I don't turn to food.

Anyway, after my audition today, I'm going downtown for my interview at the animal shelter, then I'll get home probably around 6:30-ish.  I plan to get my gym clothes on right away and pound out 4 miles on the treadmill.  Tonight I can do JM2, maybe right after dinner.  It's only a 25-minute-long workout, I can handle it!

Volunteering tonight!

Went to the gym with the man, ran/walked 3.3 miles.  Go me!  This is after yesterday's loooong workout.  My knee was acting up so I kept having to take walk breaks, but then I did some sprinting at the end and my knee doesn't hurt when I run fast, just when I run 5.5-6 mph.  Weird.  Now he's making me a yummy lunch, because he's AWESOME.  Soba noodles and tofu.

Last night I ate lots of guacamole and chips at the restaurant, plus a glass of wine (even though I told myself and the man very clearly that I would NOT drink.) I did anyway.  Poo on me.  I was hanging out with a bunch of strangers, and it just felt better, and easier to ramble on about my vegan-ism, with a little liquor in me.  It's alright though.  I feel good today, and I won't drink tonight since I have an audition tomorrow.  Tonight I'm going to the animal shelter for the volunteer orientation.  We have to pay $25 to volunteer, which sucks, but if I stay there and like it and make friends and feel good helping all the animals, it will be worth it.  I've wanted to volunteer my time for awhile now, and I think this is just the perfect way, with my passion for animal welfare.  The hours should be flexible, and since I don't have a day job, I'll probably be available when other people are not.  It will be nice to have something else to focus on besides auditioning during this time, something that doesn't cause stress (hopefully), and will give me some exercise, if I get to take the dogs out for walks.  I really hope I like it, and the people are cool.  It would be cool if the man could do it with me, but he's allergic to cats, so it's not the best job for him, although he has the same love of animals as me.

I'm on a coffee high right now. Definitely had a bit too much.  For the rest of the day, I need to study my music for tomorrow, look at Adele's music, do Jillian Michaels level 2, and leave by probably about 5:30 to make sure I get to the shelter by 7.

I ran 8 miles today on the treadmill!  Well, mostly ran.  I took a few walk breaks, but I ended up completing the 8 miles in about 88 minutes.  I sprinted at the end too!!  I'm a badass.  I'm going to run a few miles everyday this week, and then Sunday I'm planning on doing the Navesink 15K while we're back home.  It'll be mostly a training run because I am doing the Ted Corbitt 15K on December 19th, and I want to be in shape for that.  It's nice to be moving again.  I was in such great shape a year ago before I did my half marathon.  I was roughly the same weight, but I could run much further than I can now.  s'alright though, I'm getting back in the game.  I've been pretty good yesterday and today with counting calories.  After my run today I came home and John made me a delicious bean/corn spicy medley, and it really filled me up!  I love when I eat a healthy meal after I run because then I feel like I'm really refueling, instead of just eating junk because I'm starving.  I'm so happy that John is on board with me and it so kindly counting the calories of the food he makes for me.  I'm just SO ready to get back into shape.  My size 4 Lucky's have been hanging on my wall for 2 months now, and I just really want them to fit again!  Right now, I'm barely fitting into my Size 6's.  In 1/2 hour I'm going to watch my friend sing in La Boheme.  It will be nice to sit for the afternoon.  Then I'll take the train up to John's show and watch him sing Gianni Schicchi, and go out with the cast afterward because it's the final performance.  I plan to order something light, and no alcohol since I have an audition on Tuesday.  I'm only up to 775 calories today so I have lots leftover for tonight.

Ramblings.

Had my audition.  It went well.  Great in fact.  They seemed to adore me, and one judge even said, "Wow that's nice to come back from lunch to hear."  No callback, however.  I'm getting the feeling that although I'm singing well and make great impressions, this just isn't my year.  The best singing in the world will not force a company to change their repertoire and do an opera where there's a role for me.  It seems like the wrong productions are being done everywhere.  Well, there's still more.  I have many auditions coming up, many for shows with roles I can sing, so we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Diet wise, I'm doing alright so far.  I did most of Jillian Michaels' "Burn fat, boost metabolism" this morning (WOW that shit is HARD), and I'm about to finish the rest of it.  I was interrupted by the email that I needed to be at the place of audition in 2 hours, so I stopped when I was almost done with the DVD.  I've had 4 different f/v's so far today, and tonight I'm meeting the man at Cafe Blossom to celebrate his victory.  I will order something light (probably a salad) and have a much-needed glass of wine.  I'll do my best not to go over 1600, however it's probably not a good idea to eat out on day 1, but John really wants to go.  Unfortunately the calorie counts for this restaurant are not listed online, so I'm just going to have to make do.  My best bet is the Blossom Greens salad, which has cucumber, jicama, cherry tomatoes, and chickpeas.  It's mostly vegetables, so calorie-wise it should be pretty safe.  I'll do my best to measure out the chickpeas and calculate the calories when I get home.  Usually when I go to Blossom I splurge and get a big hearty sandwich with sweet potato fries, but not this time.  I'm serious about getting into shape, and I will not splurge tonight.

K, off to do some Jillian, then out for a little walk.

Day 1 of weight loss plan

Weighed in at 144.4 today.  ACH!  That is the most I've been in MONTHS.  I've been stressed and pigging out the last few days, but that all changes today.  I'm going to start tracking calories faithfully, and stay below 1600 per day (we'll see how this works for awhile, then maybe I'll adjust).  My schedule changes all the time and everyday is different so I don't want to have a strict exercise regime, except to say that I will keep up my running and Jillian Michaels DVDs as much as I can.  I need to learn how to separate my emotions and unfortunate circumstances from food.  One should not determine the other.  It's an emotional time of year, and I shouldn't let that affect my eating.  I should just accept that having auditions and being rejected is just part of the life that I've chosen, and I can't let that affect how I treat my body.  I need to treat myself well, no matter what.  My goal is to get to 130 pounds by my 30th birthday.  My food goals are as follows:

1.  eat at least 5 different fruits and veggies per day
2.  eat 3 meals and 1 snack per day, not going above 1600 calories
3.  Carry water bottle with me wherever I go
4.  Take multi-vitamin and b-12 daily

I'll focus on the small goals for now, and things will fall into place as they need to.

Blahs

Feeling a little crappy today.  Physically and emotionally.  My chords are swollen and I'm not sure if I'll be able to sing my audition tomorrow.  I'm sure it's period-related.  I'm just starting to feel so unsure of myself as I'm going through this audition season again.  I did well yesterday- really well.  like REALLY well.  No callback, but it's a crap shoot with sopranos and with a huge competition like it was.  I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful, perfect man who will patiently listen to me gripe and moan and let me cry on his shoulder while telling me how much he believes in me, while also telling me that if I wanted to stop singing and do something else, he'd fully support me.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just wandering through this career with no set goals.  It's just so hard to have clear-set goals when every audition is just chance.  I could do 99 auditions and get nothing and then 1 major audition where I win a Met contract, so really, how is one supposed to plan a career and map out goals?  I just wish I didn't care so much.  I know I do well, I'm an awesome singer.  I have a gorgeous, unique, refined voice, and I'm a fantastic actress.  I'm so musical and extremely intelligent, plus I'm pretty.  All these assets, but still I get rejected from at least 95% of the things I audition for.  It's very disheartening, especially since my boyfriend, who is is about as talented, musical, intelligent, and good-looking as I am, has about a 95% success rate!  I love him and I want him to do well.  I want both of us to do well, but if just he had an amazing career and could support me with it, I would be thrilled.  I don't want to have this negative attitude as I go into audition season.  I don't want to put so much stress on myself that I can't sleep at night, but I don't know how not to do it.  I don't know how to just let it go.  I might treat this audition season as the last one, and have the "I don't care, fuck you" mindset.  that might help, at least mentally.  But when I get into that audition room, I care SO MUCH.  I want to express the words as clearly as I can.  I want to sing as best I can.  But I have to stop letting rejections get to me.  I'm auditioning against thousands of people, most of whom aren't very good, but will be hired based on potentially.  Whereas, I'm an experienced, professional, successful singer already and they might not want someone at my level.  Or they just need a bass, or they just need a coloratura.  Well... the hardest auditions are mostly over.  From now on it's mostly managed, principal auditions and I'll have more of a clear chance to do a role, as opposed to singing against thousands of fresh meat who can be paid nothing and molded into the singer that certain companies want.

Anyway, I just need to get through the next 3 weeks without croaking too much. I'm singing well, I look great, I'm acting well, there's no reason to be nervous.  Just do the best I can, and whatever I don't get, well then it was never meant to be.  Just try and be as expressive a performer as possible, and don't worry about the details.

Then on December 19th I get to run my 15K, and then hopefully throw a nice little party for NY friends I haven't seen in awhile.

words words words

I laid in bed for an hour or so last night, then finally gave in an took and Ambien.  I feel like a failure.  I do not want to rely on them for this audition season.  I don't want it to become a habit.  I mean... today IS a big audition, and I know I want my energy to sing as well as I can.  But Friday is Music Academy, and Gratticella is Tuesday.   I can simply refuse to take anything for those two auditions and just see how it goes, but there's this part of me that's deathly afraid I won't sleep at all, and I will have sabotaged myself for what otherwise could be a great audition.  Makes no sense.... How about Thursday night, I just don't take a pill, no matter what.  The audition is not till 2:30, so I have all morning to sleep in if I need to.  And it's not as high-stress as the competition today.  I will be FINE.

So today's my competition.  I'm going to KICK ASS.  I'm going to be the best thing they've heard all day.  I'm going to go over my lyrics now.

Poison Aria:

Dieu!  Quel frisson court dans mes veines.  Si ce breuvage etait sans pouvoir.
Craintes vaines!  Je n'appartiendrai pas au Compte malgre moi, no NO!
ce poignard, ce poignard sera le guardien de ma foi.  Viens!  viens...
Amour, ranime mon courage, et de mon coeur chasse l'effroi.
Hesiter, c'est te faire outrage, trembler est un manque de foi.  Verse, verse!
Verse toi-meme ce breuvage, verse toi-meme ce breuvage, aaaaahhhh, verse ce breuvage
O Romeo, je bois a toi!
Mais, si demain pourtant dans ces caveaux funebres, je m'eveillais sans retour, dieu puissant!
Cette pensee horrible a glace tout mon sang... Que deviendrai j'en ces tenebres, dans ce sejour de mort et de gemissement, que les siecles passes ont remplis d'ossement.  Ou Tybalt, tout sangnant encor de sa blessure, pres de moi, dans la nuit obscure, dormira, Dieu!  Ma main rencontrera sa main.
Quel est cet hombre a la mort echapees, c'est Tybalt!  Il m'appelle, il veut de mon chemin ecartes mon epoux!  Et sa fatal epees!  NON!  Fantome!  Disparaissez!  Dissipe-toi, funeste reve, dissipes-toi, funeste reve, que l'aube du bonheur se leve sur l'hombre des tourments passes.  Viens!
Amour, ranime mon courage.  Et de mon coeur chasses l'effroi.  hesiter, c'est te faire outrage, trembler est un manque de foi. Verse, verse!  Verse toi-meme ce breuvage, verse toi-meme ce breuvage, aahhhh, verse ce breuvage.  O Romeo, je bois a toi, je bois aaaaaaaaaa toi!

Ach ich fuhl's, es ist verschwunden.  Ewig hin der liebe Gluck.  Ewig hin der liebe Gluck.
Nimmer kommt ihr wonnestunden meinem Herzen mehr zuruck.  Meinem Herzen, Meinem Herzen mehr zuruck.  Sieh, Tamino, diese Tranen fliessen trauter, dir allein. Dir allein.  Fuhlst du nicht der liebe sehnen?  Der Liebe sehnen?  So wird Ruhe, so wird Ruh im Tode sein.  Fuhlst du nicht der liebe sehnen?  Fuhlst du nicht der liebe sehnen?  So wird Ruhe, so wird Ruh im Tode sein.   Im Tode sein.  Im Tode sein.

O war ich schon mit dir vereint, und durfte Mann dich nennen.  Ein Madchen darf ja, was es meint, zur Halfte nur bekennen.  Doch wenn ich nicht errothen muss ob einem Warmen Herzens kuss.  Wenn nicht's uns stort auf Erden.... Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust, mit unaussprechlich Susser lust.  Wie glucklich will ich werden, wie glucklich will ich werden.  Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich Susserlust wie glucklich glucklich ja wie glucklich will ich werden.
In Ruhe stiller Hauslichkeit erwach ich jeden Morgen.  Wir grussen uns mit zartlichkeit, der Fleiss verscheucht die Sorgen.  Und ist die Arbeit abgetan dann schleicht die holde Nacht heran, dann ruhn wir von Beschwerden.  Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich Susserlust.  Wie glucklich will ich werden, wie Glucklich will ich werden.  Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich susserlust wie glucklich glucklich je wie glucklich will ich werden.  Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich susserlust.  Wie will ich glucklich, wie will ich glucklich werden, ja, wie will ich Glucklich, glucklich werden.

No word from Tom... Has love no voice?  Can love not keep a Maytime vow in cities?  Fades it as the rose cut for a rich display?  Forgot... but no!  To weep is not enough.  He needs my help.  Love hears, love knows, love answers him across the silent miles, and goes!  Silently night, go find him and caress, and may thou quiet find his heart, although it be unkind.  Nor may its beat confess.  Although I weep, although I weep, although I weep it knows, it knows of loneliness.  Guide me, o moon, chastly when I depart, and warmly be the same he watches without grief or shame.  It cannot be thou art a colder moon, a colder moon upon a colder heart.  My father, can I desert him, and his devotion for a love who has deserted me.  No!  My father has strength of purpose, while Tom is weak, and needs the comfort of a helping hand.  Oh, God protect dear Tom, support my father, and strengthen my resolve.  
I go, I go to him, love cannot falter, cannot desert.  Though it be shunned, or be forgotten, though it be hurt.  If love be love, it will not alter.  Though it be shunned, or be forgotten, though it be hurt.  If love be love, it will not alter. If love be love, if love be love, it will not alter, it will not alter, it will not alter.  Oh should I see my love in need, it shall not matter.  It shall not matter what he may be.  I go I go to him, love cannot alter, cannot desert, cannot alter, cannot desert, cannot desert, time cannot alter a loving heart, an ever-loving heart!

Quando men vo, quando men vo soletta per la via, la gente sosta e mira.  E la bellezza mia, tutta ricerca in me, ricerca in me da capo a pie.  Ed assaporo allor la bramosia sottil che da gl'occhi traspira.  E dai palesi vezzi intender sa, alle occulte belta.  Cosi l'effluvio del desio, tutta m'aggira.  Felice mi fa, felice mi fa!  E tu che sai che memori e ti struggi, da me tanto rifuggi.  So ben, le angoscie tue, non le vuoi dir, non le vuoi so ben, ma ti senti morir!

Well, i know it!  I'm gonna rock out today.

lots of stressors.....

Ach.  I hate being stressed.  Tomorrow is the Met competition.  Singing Poison Aria, offering O war ich schon, Quando men vo, Ann Trulove, and Ach, ich fuhl's.  After tomorrow's audition, I have several more, and tomorrow night I need to go through Mattinata and Nuvoletta and listen to Mikhail's coaching on them, for Music Academy audition on Friday.  Next week I have Teatro Gratticella and I need to go through Donde Lieta and Deh vieni over the weekend for that.  Later on, I will need to know a Fledermaus aria (in English), and go through Lisette's vignette from La Rondine (for December 4th).  That's all the music for December, but meanwhile I have to get started on the Lukas Foss piece.  I am singing it for Sally on December 10th, and PBJ on December 15th.  Thanksgiving weekend and the following week I'll have lots of time to work on the Foss, and the Fledermaus and Rondine.  The Foss performance is January 30th, in February (probably) is the Coffee cantata benefit, March 4-6 is the Strauss and Mahler, April 13th is the Sumeika's Song premier (i'll have most of March to learn that).  in May is the Jenson comp (February is the Zachary's) but it's all my normal rep, so that will be just review.

ACH!  So much to think about, let alone trying to get in shape.  I think the trick to losing these last few pounds is to truly make it a lifestyle.  Make it something I don't need to give that much energy to, because I really need my energy to devote to my singing.  It would be AWESOME if I could get down to 130 by Feb. 25 (my 30th birthday!).  and I really want to look hot for my Carnegie concert on January 30th.  I really do need to start now.  I hope I start bleeding really soon because I want to lose this water weight and start over again.  I'm going to use this blog as much as I need while I'm trying to drop the pounds.  It will be nice to have an emotional outlet to help me through my struggles with food.  For example, today I overate around 11 am.  I had planned to get to the gym and run my 6 miles (which I didn't do today), but instead I sat on the couch and had hummus and almond butter.  If I had had this blog to write in, I would have sorted out the real reasons I wanted to eat and not run.  I enjoy running, and I would have felt immensely proud if I had completed my workout.  Right now I want to eat chocolate.  I don't want to go to bed and I'm worried about sleeping tonight because I have that audition tomorrow.  But just having this to write about my feelings will really help. The other thing I plan to do as I get back into shape is to STOP with the high expectations.  I want to take each day as it comes.  Because the truth is, it's a lifestyle change, and even on days that I can't or don't want to exercise, I CAN lose weight.  So even if I only do 3 cardio sessions and not 4 in a week, that can still be a successful week, as long as I count my calories and stay positive, even if I'm PMSing, etc.  My goal is simply to just do the best I can at every moment of the day.  It's a good idea to incorporate weights into my routine, so maybe one day I'll do Jillian Michaels, and another day I'll just throw around the free weights for awhile, and another day I'll do a yoga session.  This is not all-or-nothing.  It's just do the best I can, and stay positive.  For now I do want to keep to my running program because I want to have a joyful experience in the 15K on December 19th.  But if I miss a run (like today), that's alright.  I'll still be able to run the race.  Tomorrow I will aim to run a little extra.

I already feel better.  Gonna cuddle with the man, and read more of my Committed book (SO good!!)

Why a blog?

Not sure exactly why I decided to start a blog.  I already have somewhat of a blog on Sparkpeople, but there I feel a pressure to always write something both interesting and diet/fitness-related (because it's a diet/fitness site), knowing that people are going to be wasting valuable internet-surfing time reading it.  Here, I feel no pressure to write anything witty, because I'm perfectly happy if this never gets read by anyone but myself.   I'll consider this my journal without the writers' cramp and without the temptation of tearing out pages I think are no good, only to start over.  I think it's good for me to have a regular, anonymous blog where I can just write what I'm thinking for the day and manage my emotions.  I tend to get overly-dramatic about meaningless crap, and having an outlet that is not the ears of my live-in boyfriend (I'll call him L.  Stands for Love.) is probably a healthy thing for me.  So we'll start here.

In a few minutes I'm going to go down to Duane Reed to buy hair gel and toothbrush heads, and make change for my $20 bill, so that I can take mine and L's HUGE sack of clothes down to the laundromat and clean them.  He'll be back from the library in a couple of hours, and we'll probably watch a movie or something.  We have Life is Beautiful here from Netflix.  I LOVE that movie!  Tonight I should probably study my audition music for awhile because I have a competition tomorrow afternoon.  I also plan to get to the gym tonight (probably during Biggest Loser) and run 6 miles on the treadmill, as training for my Ted Corbitt 15K in Central Park on December 19th.

I'll probably check in later!