Weighed in at 144.4 today. ACH! That is the most I've been in MONTHS. I've been stressed and pigging out the last few days, but that all changes today. I'm going to start tracking calories faithfully, and stay below 1600 per day (we'll see how this works for awhile, then maybe I'll adjust). My schedule changes all the time and everyday is different so I don't want to have a strict exercise regime, except to say that I will keep up my running and Jillian Michaels DVDs as much as I can. I need to learn how to separate my emotions and unfortunate circumstances from food. One should not determine the other. It's an emotional time of year, and I shouldn't let that affect my eating. I should just accept that having auditions and being rejected is just part of the life that I've chosen, and I can't let that affect how I treat my body. I need to treat myself well, no matter what. My goal is to get to 130 pounds by my 30th birthday. My food goals are as follows:
1. eat at least 5 different fruits and veggies per day
2. eat 3 meals and 1 snack per day, not going above 1600 calories
3. Carry water bottle with me wherever I go
4. Take multi-vitamin and b-12 daily
I'll focus on the small goals for now, and things will fall into place as they need to.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Blahs
Feeling a little crappy today. Physically and emotionally. My chords are swollen and I'm not sure if I'll be able to sing my audition tomorrow. I'm sure it's period-related. I'm just starting to feel so unsure of myself as I'm going through this audition season again. I did well yesterday- really well. like REALLY well. No callback, but it's a crap shoot with sopranos and with a huge competition like it was. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful, perfect man who will patiently listen to me gripe and moan and let me cry on his shoulder while telling me how much he believes in me, while also telling me that if I wanted to stop singing and do something else, he'd fully support me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just wandering through this career with no set goals. It's just so hard to have clear-set goals when every audition is just chance. I could do 99 auditions and get nothing and then 1 major audition where I win a Met contract, so really, how is one supposed to plan a career and map out goals? I just wish I didn't care so much. I know I do well, I'm an awesome singer. I have a gorgeous, unique, refined voice, and I'm a fantastic actress. I'm so musical and extremely intelligent, plus I'm pretty. All these assets, but still I get rejected from at least 95% of the things I audition for. It's very disheartening, especially since my boyfriend, who is is about as talented, musical, intelligent, and good-looking as I am, has about a 95% success rate! I love him and I want him to do well. I want both of us to do well, but if just he had an amazing career and could support me with it, I would be thrilled. I don't want to have this negative attitude as I go into audition season. I don't want to put so much stress on myself that I can't sleep at night, but I don't know how not to do it. I don't know how to just let it go. I might treat this audition season as the last one, and have the "I don't care, fuck you" mindset. that might help, at least mentally. But when I get into that audition room, I care SO MUCH. I want to express the words as clearly as I can. I want to sing as best I can. But I have to stop letting rejections get to me. I'm auditioning against thousands of people, most of whom aren't very good, but will be hired based on potentially. Whereas, I'm an experienced, professional, successful singer already and they might not want someone at my level. Or they just need a bass, or they just need a coloratura. Well... the hardest auditions are mostly over. From now on it's mostly managed, principal auditions and I'll have more of a clear chance to do a role, as opposed to singing against thousands of fresh meat who can be paid nothing and molded into the singer that certain companies want.
Anyway, I just need to get through the next 3 weeks without croaking too much. I'm singing well, I look great, I'm acting well, there's no reason to be nervous. Just do the best I can, and whatever I don't get, well then it was never meant to be. Just try and be as expressive a performer as possible, and don't worry about the details.
Then on December 19th I get to run my 15K, and then hopefully throw a nice little party for NY friends I haven't seen in awhile.
Anyway, I just need to get through the next 3 weeks without croaking too much. I'm singing well, I look great, I'm acting well, there's no reason to be nervous. Just do the best I can, and whatever I don't get, well then it was never meant to be. Just try and be as expressive a performer as possible, and don't worry about the details.
Then on December 19th I get to run my 15K, and then hopefully throw a nice little party for NY friends I haven't seen in awhile.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
words words words
I laid in bed for an hour or so last night, then finally gave in an took and Ambien. I feel like a failure. I do not want to rely on them for this audition season. I don't want it to become a habit. I mean... today IS a big audition, and I know I want my energy to sing as well as I can. But Friday is Music Academy, and Gratticella is Tuesday. I can simply refuse to take anything for those two auditions and just see how it goes, but there's this part of me that's deathly afraid I won't sleep at all, and I will have sabotaged myself for what otherwise could be a great audition. Makes no sense.... How about Thursday night, I just don't take a pill, no matter what. The audition is not till 2:30, so I have all morning to sleep in if I need to. And it's not as high-stress as the competition today. I will be FINE.
So today's my competition. I'm going to KICK ASS. I'm going to be the best thing they've heard all day. I'm going to go over my lyrics now.
Poison Aria:
Dieu! Quel frisson court dans mes veines. Si ce breuvage etait sans pouvoir.
Craintes vaines! Je n'appartiendrai pas au Compte malgre moi, no NO!
ce poignard, ce poignard sera le guardien de ma foi. Viens! viens...
Amour, ranime mon courage, et de mon coeur chasse l'effroi.
Hesiter, c'est te faire outrage, trembler est un manque de foi. Verse, verse!
Verse toi-meme ce breuvage, verse toi-meme ce breuvage, aaaaahhhh, verse ce breuvage
O Romeo, je bois a toi!
Mais, si demain pourtant dans ces caveaux funebres, je m'eveillais sans retour, dieu puissant!
Cette pensee horrible a glace tout mon sang... Que deviendrai j'en ces tenebres, dans ce sejour de mort et de gemissement, que les siecles passes ont remplis d'ossement. Ou Tybalt, tout sangnant encor de sa blessure, pres de moi, dans la nuit obscure, dormira, Dieu! Ma main rencontrera sa main.
Quel est cet hombre a la mort echapees, c'est Tybalt! Il m'appelle, il veut de mon chemin ecartes mon epoux! Et sa fatal epees! NON! Fantome! Disparaissez! Dissipe-toi, funeste reve, dissipes-toi, funeste reve, que l'aube du bonheur se leve sur l'hombre des tourments passes. Viens!
Amour, ranime mon courage. Et de mon coeur chasses l'effroi. hesiter, c'est te faire outrage, trembler est un manque de foi. Verse, verse! Verse toi-meme ce breuvage, verse toi-meme ce breuvage, aahhhh, verse ce breuvage. O Romeo, je bois a toi, je bois aaaaaaaaaa toi!
Ach ich fuhl's, es ist verschwunden. Ewig hin der liebe Gluck. Ewig hin der liebe Gluck.
Nimmer kommt ihr wonnestunden meinem Herzen mehr zuruck. Meinem Herzen, Meinem Herzen mehr zuruck. Sieh, Tamino, diese Tranen fliessen trauter, dir allein. Dir allein. Fuhlst du nicht der liebe sehnen? Der Liebe sehnen? So wird Ruhe, so wird Ruh im Tode sein. Fuhlst du nicht der liebe sehnen? Fuhlst du nicht der liebe sehnen? So wird Ruhe, so wird Ruh im Tode sein. Im Tode sein. Im Tode sein.
O war ich schon mit dir vereint, und durfte Mann dich nennen. Ein Madchen darf ja, was es meint, zur Halfte nur bekennen. Doch wenn ich nicht errothen muss ob einem Warmen Herzens kuss. Wenn nicht's uns stort auf Erden.... Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust, mit unaussprechlich Susser lust. Wie glucklich will ich werden, wie glucklich will ich werden. Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich Susserlust wie glucklich glucklich ja wie glucklich will ich werden.
In Ruhe stiller Hauslichkeit erwach ich jeden Morgen. Wir grussen uns mit zartlichkeit, der Fleiss verscheucht die Sorgen. Und ist die Arbeit abgetan dann schleicht die holde Nacht heran, dann ruhn wir von Beschwerden. Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich Susserlust. Wie glucklich will ich werden, wie Glucklich will ich werden. Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich susserlust wie glucklich glucklich je wie glucklich will ich werden. Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich susserlust. Wie will ich glucklich, wie will ich glucklich werden, ja, wie will ich Glucklich, glucklich werden.
No word from Tom... Has love no voice? Can love not keep a Maytime vow in cities? Fades it as the rose cut for a rich display? Forgot... but no! To weep is not enough. He needs my help. Love hears, love knows, love answers him across the silent miles, and goes! Silently night, go find him and caress, and may thou quiet find his heart, although it be unkind. Nor may its beat confess. Although I weep, although I weep, although I weep it knows, it knows of loneliness. Guide me, o moon, chastly when I depart, and warmly be the same he watches without grief or shame. It cannot be thou art a colder moon, a colder moon upon a colder heart. My father, can I desert him, and his devotion for a love who has deserted me. No! My father has strength of purpose, while Tom is weak, and needs the comfort of a helping hand. Oh, God protect dear Tom, support my father, and strengthen my resolve.
I go, I go to him, love cannot falter, cannot desert. Though it be shunned, or be forgotten, though it be hurt. If love be love, it will not alter. Though it be shunned, or be forgotten, though it be hurt. If love be love, it will not alter. If love be love, if love be love, it will not alter, it will not alter, it will not alter. Oh should I see my love in need, it shall not matter. It shall not matter what he may be. I go I go to him, love cannot alter, cannot desert, cannot alter, cannot desert, cannot desert, time cannot alter a loving heart, an ever-loving heart!
Quando men vo, quando men vo soletta per la via, la gente sosta e mira. E la bellezza mia, tutta ricerca in me, ricerca in me da capo a pie. Ed assaporo allor la bramosia sottil che da gl'occhi traspira. E dai palesi vezzi intender sa, alle occulte belta. Cosi l'effluvio del desio, tutta m'aggira. Felice mi fa, felice mi fa! E tu che sai che memori e ti struggi, da me tanto rifuggi. So ben, le angoscie tue, non le vuoi dir, non le vuoi so ben, ma ti senti morir!
Well, i know it! I'm gonna rock out today.
So today's my competition. I'm going to KICK ASS. I'm going to be the best thing they've heard all day. I'm going to go over my lyrics now.
Poison Aria:
Dieu! Quel frisson court dans mes veines. Si ce breuvage etait sans pouvoir.
Craintes vaines! Je n'appartiendrai pas au Compte malgre moi, no NO!
ce poignard, ce poignard sera le guardien de ma foi. Viens! viens...
Amour, ranime mon courage, et de mon coeur chasse l'effroi.
Hesiter, c'est te faire outrage, trembler est un manque de foi. Verse, verse!
Verse toi-meme ce breuvage, verse toi-meme ce breuvage, aaaaahhhh, verse ce breuvage
O Romeo, je bois a toi!
Mais, si demain pourtant dans ces caveaux funebres, je m'eveillais sans retour, dieu puissant!
Cette pensee horrible a glace tout mon sang... Que deviendrai j'en ces tenebres, dans ce sejour de mort et de gemissement, que les siecles passes ont remplis d'ossement. Ou Tybalt, tout sangnant encor de sa blessure, pres de moi, dans la nuit obscure, dormira, Dieu! Ma main rencontrera sa main.
Quel est cet hombre a la mort echapees, c'est Tybalt! Il m'appelle, il veut de mon chemin ecartes mon epoux! Et sa fatal epees! NON! Fantome! Disparaissez! Dissipe-toi, funeste reve, dissipes-toi, funeste reve, que l'aube du bonheur se leve sur l'hombre des tourments passes. Viens!
Amour, ranime mon courage. Et de mon coeur chasses l'effroi. hesiter, c'est te faire outrage, trembler est un manque de foi. Verse, verse! Verse toi-meme ce breuvage, verse toi-meme ce breuvage, aahhhh, verse ce breuvage. O Romeo, je bois a toi, je bois aaaaaaaaaa toi!
Ach ich fuhl's, es ist verschwunden. Ewig hin der liebe Gluck. Ewig hin der liebe Gluck.
Nimmer kommt ihr wonnestunden meinem Herzen mehr zuruck. Meinem Herzen, Meinem Herzen mehr zuruck. Sieh, Tamino, diese Tranen fliessen trauter, dir allein. Dir allein. Fuhlst du nicht der liebe sehnen? Der Liebe sehnen? So wird Ruhe, so wird Ruh im Tode sein. Fuhlst du nicht der liebe sehnen? Fuhlst du nicht der liebe sehnen? So wird Ruhe, so wird Ruh im Tode sein. Im Tode sein. Im Tode sein.
O war ich schon mit dir vereint, und durfte Mann dich nennen. Ein Madchen darf ja, was es meint, zur Halfte nur bekennen. Doch wenn ich nicht errothen muss ob einem Warmen Herzens kuss. Wenn nicht's uns stort auf Erden.... Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust, mit unaussprechlich Susser lust. Wie glucklich will ich werden, wie glucklich will ich werden. Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich Susserlust wie glucklich glucklich ja wie glucklich will ich werden.
In Ruhe stiller Hauslichkeit erwach ich jeden Morgen. Wir grussen uns mit zartlichkeit, der Fleiss verscheucht die Sorgen. Und ist die Arbeit abgetan dann schleicht die holde Nacht heran, dann ruhn wir von Beschwerden. Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich Susserlust. Wie glucklich will ich werden, wie Glucklich will ich werden. Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich susserlust wie glucklich glucklich je wie glucklich will ich werden. Die Hoffnung schon erfullt die Brust mit unaussprechlich susserlust. Wie will ich glucklich, wie will ich glucklich werden, ja, wie will ich Glucklich, glucklich werden.
No word from Tom... Has love no voice? Can love not keep a Maytime vow in cities? Fades it as the rose cut for a rich display? Forgot... but no! To weep is not enough. He needs my help. Love hears, love knows, love answers him across the silent miles, and goes! Silently night, go find him and caress, and may thou quiet find his heart, although it be unkind. Nor may its beat confess. Although I weep, although I weep, although I weep it knows, it knows of loneliness. Guide me, o moon, chastly when I depart, and warmly be the same he watches without grief or shame. It cannot be thou art a colder moon, a colder moon upon a colder heart. My father, can I desert him, and his devotion for a love who has deserted me. No! My father has strength of purpose, while Tom is weak, and needs the comfort of a helping hand. Oh, God protect dear Tom, support my father, and strengthen my resolve.
I go, I go to him, love cannot falter, cannot desert. Though it be shunned, or be forgotten, though it be hurt. If love be love, it will not alter. Though it be shunned, or be forgotten, though it be hurt. If love be love, it will not alter. If love be love, if love be love, it will not alter, it will not alter, it will not alter. Oh should I see my love in need, it shall not matter. It shall not matter what he may be. I go I go to him, love cannot alter, cannot desert, cannot alter, cannot desert, cannot desert, time cannot alter a loving heart, an ever-loving heart!
Quando men vo, quando men vo soletta per la via, la gente sosta e mira. E la bellezza mia, tutta ricerca in me, ricerca in me da capo a pie. Ed assaporo allor la bramosia sottil che da gl'occhi traspira. E dai palesi vezzi intender sa, alle occulte belta. Cosi l'effluvio del desio, tutta m'aggira. Felice mi fa, felice mi fa! E tu che sai che memori e ti struggi, da me tanto rifuggi. So ben, le angoscie tue, non le vuoi dir, non le vuoi so ben, ma ti senti morir!
Well, i know it! I'm gonna rock out today.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
lots of stressors.....
Ach. I hate being stressed. Tomorrow is the Met competition. Singing Poison Aria, offering O war ich schon, Quando men vo, Ann Trulove, and Ach, ich fuhl's. After tomorrow's audition, I have several more, and tomorrow night I need to go through Mattinata and Nuvoletta and listen to Mikhail's coaching on them, for Music Academy audition on Friday. Next week I have Teatro Gratticella and I need to go through Donde Lieta and Deh vieni over the weekend for that. Later on, I will need to know a Fledermaus aria (in English), and go through Lisette's vignette from La Rondine (for December 4th). That's all the music for December, but meanwhile I have to get started on the Lukas Foss piece. I am singing it for Sally on December 10th, and PBJ on December 15th. Thanksgiving weekend and the following week I'll have lots of time to work on the Foss, and the Fledermaus and Rondine. The Foss performance is January 30th, in February (probably) is the Coffee cantata benefit, March 4-6 is the Strauss and Mahler, April 13th is the Sumeika's Song premier (i'll have most of March to learn that). in May is the Jenson comp (February is the Zachary's) but it's all my normal rep, so that will be just review.
ACH! So much to think about, let alone trying to get in shape. I think the trick to losing these last few pounds is to truly make it a lifestyle. Make it something I don't need to give that much energy to, because I really need my energy to devote to my singing. It would be AWESOME if I could get down to 130 by Feb. 25 (my 30th birthday!). and I really want to look hot for my Carnegie concert on January 30th. I really do need to start now. I hope I start bleeding really soon because I want to lose this water weight and start over again. I'm going to use this blog as much as I need while I'm trying to drop the pounds. It will be nice to have an emotional outlet to help me through my struggles with food. For example, today I overate around 11 am. I had planned to get to the gym and run my 6 miles (which I didn't do today), but instead I sat on the couch and had hummus and almond butter. If I had had this blog to write in, I would have sorted out the real reasons I wanted to eat and not run. I enjoy running, and I would have felt immensely proud if I had completed my workout. Right now I want to eat chocolate. I don't want to go to bed and I'm worried about sleeping tonight because I have that audition tomorrow. But just having this to write about my feelings will really help. The other thing I plan to do as I get back into shape is to STOP with the high expectations. I want to take each day as it comes. Because the truth is, it's a lifestyle change, and even on days that I can't or don't want to exercise, I CAN lose weight. So even if I only do 3 cardio sessions and not 4 in a week, that can still be a successful week, as long as I count my calories and stay positive, even if I'm PMSing, etc. My goal is simply to just do the best I can at every moment of the day. It's a good idea to incorporate weights into my routine, so maybe one day I'll do Jillian Michaels, and another day I'll just throw around the free weights for awhile, and another day I'll do a yoga session. This is not all-or-nothing. It's just do the best I can, and stay positive. For now I do want to keep to my running program because I want to have a joyful experience in the 15K on December 19th. But if I miss a run (like today), that's alright. I'll still be able to run the race. Tomorrow I will aim to run a little extra.
I already feel better. Gonna cuddle with the man, and read more of my Committed book (SO good!!)
ACH! So much to think about, let alone trying to get in shape. I think the trick to losing these last few pounds is to truly make it a lifestyle. Make it something I don't need to give that much energy to, because I really need my energy to devote to my singing. It would be AWESOME if I could get down to 130 by Feb. 25 (my 30th birthday!). and I really want to look hot for my Carnegie concert on January 30th. I really do need to start now. I hope I start bleeding really soon because I want to lose this water weight and start over again. I'm going to use this blog as much as I need while I'm trying to drop the pounds. It will be nice to have an emotional outlet to help me through my struggles with food. For example, today I overate around 11 am. I had planned to get to the gym and run my 6 miles (which I didn't do today), but instead I sat on the couch and had hummus and almond butter. If I had had this blog to write in, I would have sorted out the real reasons I wanted to eat and not run. I enjoy running, and I would have felt immensely proud if I had completed my workout. Right now I want to eat chocolate. I don't want to go to bed and I'm worried about sleeping tonight because I have that audition tomorrow. But just having this to write about my feelings will really help. The other thing I plan to do as I get back into shape is to STOP with the high expectations. I want to take each day as it comes. Because the truth is, it's a lifestyle change, and even on days that I can't or don't want to exercise, I CAN lose weight. So even if I only do 3 cardio sessions and not 4 in a week, that can still be a successful week, as long as I count my calories and stay positive, even if I'm PMSing, etc. My goal is simply to just do the best I can at every moment of the day. It's a good idea to incorporate weights into my routine, so maybe one day I'll do Jillian Michaels, and another day I'll just throw around the free weights for awhile, and another day I'll do a yoga session. This is not all-or-nothing. It's just do the best I can, and stay positive. For now I do want to keep to my running program because I want to have a joyful experience in the 15K on December 19th. But if I miss a run (like today), that's alright. I'll still be able to run the race. Tomorrow I will aim to run a little extra.
I already feel better. Gonna cuddle with the man, and read more of my Committed book (SO good!!)
Why a blog?
Not sure exactly why I decided to start a blog. I already have somewhat of a blog on Sparkpeople, but there I feel a pressure to always write something both interesting and diet/fitness-related (because it's a diet/fitness site), knowing that people are going to be wasting valuable internet-surfing time reading it. Here, I feel no pressure to write anything witty, because I'm perfectly happy if this never gets read by anyone but myself. I'll consider this my journal without the writers' cramp and without the temptation of tearing out pages I think are no good, only to start over. I think it's good for me to have a regular, anonymous blog where I can just write what I'm thinking for the day and manage my emotions. I tend to get overly-dramatic about meaningless crap, and having an outlet that is not the ears of my live-in boyfriend (I'll call him L. Stands for Love.) is probably a healthy thing for me. So we'll start here.
In a few minutes I'm going to go down to Duane Reed to buy hair gel and toothbrush heads, and make change for my $20 bill, so that I can take mine and L's HUGE sack of clothes down to the laundromat and clean them. He'll be back from the library in a couple of hours, and we'll probably watch a movie or something. We have Life is Beautiful here from Netflix. I LOVE that movie! Tonight I should probably study my audition music for awhile because I have a competition tomorrow afternoon. I also plan to get to the gym tonight (probably during Biggest Loser) and run 6 miles on the treadmill, as training for my Ted Corbitt 15K in Central Park on December 19th.
I'll probably check in later!
In a few minutes I'm going to go down to Duane Reed to buy hair gel and toothbrush heads, and make change for my $20 bill, so that I can take mine and L's HUGE sack of clothes down to the laundromat and clean them. He'll be back from the library in a couple of hours, and we'll probably watch a movie or something. We have Life is Beautiful here from Netflix. I LOVE that movie! Tonight I should probably study my audition music for awhile because I have a competition tomorrow afternoon. I also plan to get to the gym tonight (probably during Biggest Loser) and run 6 miles on the treadmill, as training for my Ted Corbitt 15K in Central Park on December 19th.
I'll probably check in later!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)